Thursday, 25 June 2009


I'm sitting in the sticky bus talking to my Mum on the phone - I'm trying not to sound like a phone-on-the-bus people I face the window, which in hindsight probably made my voice louder on the re-bound. I don't know if it's Mum asking me the questions or if it's just me wanting to tell her everything, but we end up creating a code word :)
Score - one of my silly bits of paper in this centre of jbs wants a librarian - that sounds fun ... but it's too hot for this - so I take a walk back home.
I'm listening to 'The Sundays' now in the empty living room - A wish came through the window - she danced around infront of me. I scooped her up to make mine then let her go. I remember when me, Mum and Nan used to call them clocks and play with them in the garden before m aking pud pies and throwing balls against the side of the house.
Later I play with a spider in the shower and marvel at how strange my feet look ... I don't know how long I was in there, but when i came out my room had turned to pretty blue.... I swam into my bed to sit and read - then I fell away into a dream at the bottom of the sea.


Lying here - staring at the sky.
The white blurs,
The plant on the side is too old,
misses the sun and lops over to one side. I sigh.
I close my eyes - there are colours there.
But it's not time to dream:
The sun has gone down, but i don't feel sleepy.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Wondering in Wonderland

I woke up today with that feeling of dread you get when you think you may have slept through your alarm. I have an interview today; I'm far too sleepy.
Sprite - Clothes - Coffee - Teeth - Coffee - Bus
I'm in a good mood today, I feel refreshed even though I only managed to catch four hours sleep. The morning people on the bus with their dull expressions and bad moods don't get me down... not today, and I'm surrounded by at least five of them who are having those tense should-be-at-home phone conversations: way too loud.
Burried in my book and thinking.
Baker street: nestled in between rows of pretty flats is a little curious shop in which I have my interview. Everyone seems nice enough I guess. There were questions I needed to ask but they all escaped my mind; put on the spot. I think I have to be the worst at this.
Drifted in and out.
The weather is lovely, I couldn't possibly imagine going back home to Hackney now even though the sun does make it seem 10% prettier. So instead i decided to stroll down to Regents park. It is so beatiful here, I feel as though i'm in a secret garden - I can't believe i didn't realise this existed here up untill a few weeks ago. How could this be possible? I'm happy I brought my camera. My stroll takes me to the top of a waterfall where a perfect little bench is waiting for me... I'll write here and later get lost again in my book.
As I was reading, listening to the water a tiny little squirrel minding her own business hops out from under my seat and walks across the way - i wanted to take a photo, but she is obviously too shy for portraits. She ducks off into a bush.
Now I'm surrounded by bees and not in the slightest bit afraid (they are bzzing in my ear) I think I may have fallen away into a dream world - that, or, I'm getting sunstroke. I think I shall go to take a better look at the waterfall.
I decided to walk all the way through the park and on to camden. On my way an ice-cream shop was calling me bt i was 20p short, with no cash machine in sight I'm forced to supress my sugar craving untill later when i will stop off at the corner shop to get me a 'feast' yum.
Left the joggers, dogs, stray balls and school kids now for busy roads, cars and beeping... just in time for the bus.
There's a woman at the back chanting 'you're all bastards' but today I'm too happy; I get back to my book.
Home: I crochet some pretties and get some more of Kates pics photoshopped, listening to tunes on shuffle as I go... I could run a really good coffee shop with my current playlist.
The house feels like there's something or someone missing; we are all here: Lisa is sleeping on the sofa, Stef is at the table and Marina is cooking.
I have to go get ready to go meet david now...


You will be
across the Sea...
and i will be here.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009


They were digging up the road this morning outside my window... I managed though to sleep through it, I awoke instead to the sound of a happy Lisa telling me that there was an English breakfast on the table waiting to be eaten, She had obviously caught my insomnia, which I had managed to escape for once here last night.
There were four plateswaiting - cooling on the kitchen table, plus an over-tidy bookshelf she had obviously gotten her bored-awake hands on earlier this morning, I was surprised I didn't wake up to an empty bedroom and then later found her in gym clothes running up and down the path outside ... or up and down our walls.
Most of us are in a cleaning mood, apart from me - I'm in a 'tidying' mood... making things like DVDs and books in the right order. That's what happens to me when the house is too clean; I organise things that were already organised.
Me and Marina go to buy rabbit food and other stuff - an excuse to get out of the house and go for a walk in the sun ... shine * it's too nice to go back home, so we step back in time; there's this cute cafe on Amhurst Road owned by a family. There are blue and white check plastic table cloths, American style condiment containers and behind the counter is an array of forgotten wonders - the till itself is ancient with giant push buttons that I can imagine say 'chung' when you push them. We have a 'milky coffee' and a 'regular coffee' and a sausage sandwich to share 'sausage sandwich please Mum!' he shouts, I suddenly feel as though we're in their living room.
I would love to do a 'local cafe tour' they are the most interesting places I've been recently... filled with interesting characters... I could come with some paper, a pencil and drink copious amounts of coffee ... 'milky coffee'.
We go to buy some printer ink from a lilttle white haired lady with congealed false eyelashes and lipstick on her teeth, she will make sure they have the cartridge in for tomorrow.
Back home: I fix my chests of drawers and throw away the rubbish. We've not been here that long... it's amazing how much stuff I have managed to collect - and the dust monsters!
I'm so happy I just found my Starsailor CD! this call for a full blast coffee and writing session: Inspired. completely.
... How strange it is to find letters and diaries from the past; untrustworthy words, promises and lies... over exaggerated messages of undying love from both sides. Only half were lies - the others were trully believed in at the time.
- Listening to the Buffy soundtrack now - indeed - in an emotional rollercoaster through my entire past (I found my first 'day to day today' earlier, Lisa said she wanted to keep it.)
Don't you think it's strange that you can listen to a CD now that used to make you cry as a teenager and now makes you smile? I told Marina that if I had the chance to go back in time I'd go back to that time to tell myself 'it's really not that bad'.
*missing him*
And so we sit around the table in our un-naturally clean kitchen drinking some wine I just went to get with Marina... we text our landlord to tell him of our moving out situation. He is coming over.
We're listening to 'Bat for Lashes' in the meantime. Lisa is MSNing and we are talking: subdued.
There are many people now I'm missing in all sort of ways... wishing at least a few of them were here with me now, talking rubbish around this table I bought a quarter of, which I will leave here when I go.
- It's all sorted :)
How my world manages to change so fast still astounds me.


Your face across the room.
I don't miss it, I just don't miss it.
The screen that took you over now haunts our space. Always there -
untill it's here in the flesh.
My mind now wonders to another time - another place, face and I'm lost.
Even she couldn't stop me from falling: away: with the words that brought tears...
of emotion, love and grace,
I'm gone.
Not even she could save me - she was another.
And now I think...
and I miss those arms, those nights and mornings of pearls and beads...
I hold your hands with love as they wrap around my neck:
but you have already taken my breath away.
Could this be it?
I'll hold my breath some more, alone now... I smile...
How you stole a piece of me...
I'm gone
No need to save me.

Monday, 22 June 2009

A bit of Mathematics

It seemed strange to wake up in my bed with her, not really like going into the past, but more like stepping into a different dimention... I know now that this is not supposed to be where I am supposed to be. Later this night we divided our things into piles. We laughed at memories and played ghost track music as we swept not only the floor but lots of stuff away and pretended as though we were in one of those films: it was a montage, looking back and seeing the future. I'm looking forward to moving - I have a place to go now, and it is a lovely one with lovely people - so that makes me smile. I will paint my bed green, I will scrap my TV and write all day. I'll get lost... in a good way.
The rest of my day was spent writing, I'm really excited about this book I have on the go... I can see good things, sparkley things all on the horizon (peeking over it and waving at me)
I'm so happy that what was once all dismal with no hope has turned quite suddenly into a bright glowing thing... unexpected things have happened - things I was catapulted into or across that I thought at the time would kill me, but in fact they were the very things that have kept me alive. I'm so gratefull for it all, for everthing that has been - even the bad, especially the bad ... because without any of that we wouldn't be so happy now. Never in my life have I witnessed a break down of a relationship go full circle into something new and lovely with beautiful outcomes for each...
I feel we are both, now, better.
... and after all of that, I think it's time for a BNTM break, don't you? ...

Monday, 15 June 2009

Ey up Sailor

Today, after I got back from my little interview I pretended to be on a pirate ship in the new Flutterbydaisy dress I'm selling... the waves were high and I felt sea sick, before I met some merpeople who made my lunch: then I felt better.

I wrote the new plan for my book...

then I ate a bag of peanuts...

Now I'm going to start 'The Wind-up Bird Chronicle'

Friday, 12 June 2009

Time warp cafe

I could've stayed there all day and slept... a duvet day *
... we went back to the cafe again today on Holloway Road - the one that makes the best latte in London and steals time from under your mashed potato. It was past 8 by the time we left, and the waitress did the 'I must start to clean now' thing. But it wasn't our fault - it was the time warp.
There was a lady who jumped on the bus through the side door and refused to move when she got caught, an old guy who refused to sit down when someone offered him a seat and a girl inside my head who refused to be negative today.
Home: writing: inspired.
Later - fruit salad with Marina whilst watching several 'Live at the Apollo'.
Now - I'm finding it hard to spell, type or sleep ... and I want to do all of those things.
Writes 'till morning.............................................................

Thursday, 11 June 2009


I got home early and picked up some letters... I like early because all the mean people havn't been let out yet - they are still hibernating in their safari. I even got back in time to catch the post man! ... today is post day. I got a lovely letter from two pretties who have just bought my poetry book * there are no more left now ... I will have more printed asap.
... I packed up some stuff I'd sold and plucked up the courage to walk down to Hackney central post office - but it's so nice! no meanies to be seen anywhere! last night Maria told me if I think negative then I'll draw bad thins like a magnet and I should think positive ... think it's working! :)
I was walking so fast home with a pollen nose, I had my mouth open and had a random image of sucking up a bypassing bee - all fluffy: swoop *cough* (must close mouth when walking)
Then I sat myself down to make a dress ... a sailor dress ... it's yummy.
Poppy time : cuddles : fluff...
Now I'm listening to Kylie waiting for David to call, will meet him at the bus stop - he will be introduced to Poppy, then we shall make our way to a show.

Saturday, 6 June 2009

Spaced out

Today I have been walking around the house in a kind of dream. I'm floating all over the place and can't stop thinking, sometimes I will see a reflection of myself in the TV; I'm just standing there thinking. When I pulled myself together I came back to the room and sat in the shower... pretended I was a flower .... then I watched a BNTM that I'd missed ... now I'm going to draw some dresses I have in my head --- will make one tomorrow morning if I can manage to get up early (I'll try really hard)
I text someone on the bus last night and deleated my outbox : cannot remember who it was or what I said... help: was it you?

Friday, 5 June 2009


On my way home I got myself a Whisper .... yum.
I changed the bunny setting - moved the cage so she has more space to jump around ... she is very happy about it and now makes a lot more jumping bunny sounds. I think I'm allergic to her though which sucks, might have to find her a new family :(
She is sleeping now ... shhhh...
I talk to Lisa for a bit and we start to get on each others nerves in a 'why did you put that there?' kind of way, which is understandable I guess. Anyway, when I move out I'm sure we will get along fine.
After waiting for the bus for what seemed like hours I finally arrived in Soho to meet Simona ... there was wine...
I got lost on my way home which was hillarious.... got off two stops too soon...
Then I ate a huge chunk of bread and fell asleep in my dress.

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Camden-->Regents Park-->Baker Street-->Home

So happy that Alex and his missus Sarah are visiting I've missed him and I'm so smiley that me and Sarah get on like a house on fire (I've never quite got that saying to be honest - does a house on fire... get on?.... what does it get on, apart from fire? ... and is this good? ... I don't know, but what I'm trying to say is that she is lovely) :)
I managed to get up when I said I would ... but we didn't leave untill much later - why am I always late even when I'm on time??
I ended up on the front page of MySpace again which is fun :)
We played eye spy on the bus and remembered being little... it's so strange to think that me and Alex have known each other for 14 years! There were a few bus-type-freaks but I was happy so they didn't annoy me too much.
Camden: We walked up the high street, pub food, burger, talks, photos, remembering .... late! walked back up high street, David, cafe, coffee.... yum. Alex caught a fly and showed us his video where he smashes bricks with his foot - don't worry; he is a professional. Talks, laughs, hugs .... we walk....
Regents Park: to the zoo? no... park, flowers, beautiful.... want to stay there all day. Waterfall, Fairy Garden, kisses... * ... Alex impresses us all with his amazing trainers with wheels in them as he whizzes past me and David while Sarah snaps a piccie. Past the pond: careful, over a pretty bridge, keeping me close....
Baker Street: Glare at the Sherlock Holmes museum! ok.... gone. A shop with t-shirts.... tube, David has to go, and we are getting far too chilly to stay outside so we jump on the magical bus of childrens games ... if I were a???? HORSE!!, COW!!, PIG!! .... bunny??
Home: pizza, more laughs and Bill Bailey..... sleeeeeeeep (with ipod burrowing into my brain via my ear)

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Fairy songs on Safari

Happy birthday to my Nan! :) who is all the way up in Hull :(
Went to The Lexington in Angel to see Snowbird... put my eyelashes on and then cried them off : I think it was the most emotional gig I have ever seen ... Stephanie is a fairy and there is nothing to do about it. The last ime I cried during a live show I was 10 ... I came to London with my violin group (no, I can't play now to save my life) we went to see the orchestra - it was awsome (I have used this several times and this time I mean it in the real sence of the word)
I was on white wine shandy which was only £1.50 : bargain. I escaped with my cheepo drink outside for air and Lisa, Marina and Stephanie were soon to follow. With magnets.
Stephanie fairy went home with her Mr and we went to meet david at Islington Academy. While we were waiting there was this random weird drunk who asked strange questions. Lisa said I was being rude to him, but seriously ...
We all went for a drink in an even stranger bar where I felt as though I was stuck on safari. I was the rabbit; the drunks at the bar were the lions. They annoyed us for a while untill Alex and his Missus Sarah came and we all escaped ... in the safari van of number 38.
Alex brought wine, so we drank it.
We also watched '30 days of Night', talked, laughed, and got to bed at 4:30am ...
I had a beautiful dream ... and he was there *

Monday, 1 June 2009

What's so good about tomatoes anyway?

When I got back home I saw that Poppy had managed to escape into the rest of the room to eat my books ... yes, JUST my books ... pft. She is great though; there's nothing to do about it. After I'd gotten over it by drinking three cups of coffee and watching a couple of re-runs of Britains next top model I was ready to face the mess... and then clean the mess. Turns out that Lisa was petting her all night because she was making noise, but then she made a whole lot more so Lisa put a pillow over her head (her own, not the bunny) Anywho ... on a less bunny-full tale, I called the fairy shop and they said that there aren't actually any jobs they just advertise all the time, what if they plain just didn't like the sound of me - one has to wonder.
Later on I had the most random conversation with my Mum about may things that I don't feel like writing about ... were ok now though, think she understands me, she must cos she is lovely.
And then I applied for more jobs online that I know I'm probably not going to get replies from ... but don't worry - the universe is sorting something amazing out for me .... you'll see *
I simply must tidy my clothes .... find stuff to sell on ebay (to make space for all the dresses I'm going to make myself when the universe finally gets it right) ... I found lots of things to sell and now my cupboard looks yum. I'll post a link of the listings in a bit when I have them all listed.
Watched BNTM : Jade is still num 1 ... indeed.
Dinner : we managed to have the longest conversation that has ever existed about... tomatoes. Tomatoes. Me and Lisa laughed at each other ... were good at that at the moment :) now she is in the other room cuttingg off her hair (the jokes will come later, worry not) ;) kiddin'
And now? I've left everone in the living room and I'm going to read a bit of a book and then watch the Sex and the City film ... why not? (dig the Viviene Westwood wedding dress) then I may or may not take some more photos for ebay....
Then I'll fall asleep, as tired is V.... and then I shall have a pretty dream *